If you knew how many people approach me with a mild paranoia that someone may discover their grave doubts about Mormonism, you’d probably be relieved that you are not alone. From the outside, it is impressive – the hold the church has on the minds of its followers – even the ones on the fence. Some people who seek counseling around this issue will not even do so in their own state of residence out of fear that they might get caught. How do you deal with this mild paranoia?
Accept the circumstance. It is inevitable that if you want to exit a way of life that all of your friends and family are living, there is no way to do it without some anxiety. If you wonder whether or not the church is true, you will not be able to escape being afraid of the perceived consequences from on high. You are normal and this is fine. Feet on the ground – don’t worry that there is something wrong with you.
Know that you will hurt people. When I learned as a Mormon that my inactive ex-wife had given our daughter a cup of coffee, I was deeply hurt. Little could I imagine at the time that one day my devout mother would be visiting my live-in girlfriend and me at our house. My current wife and I decided to live together for a year before we got married – it was part of our plan to make sure we were compatible. It worked, but my Mormon family members were shocked and devastated. And it wasn’t easy for me to take.
There is no way around this, other than to keep pretending you are a believer and living a lie, enduring the private hell that we can only imagine millions of Mormons put up with day in and day out. It is miserable and no way to spend the short time we have. The thought of returning to that way of being causes me to feel suffocated almost immediately.
Don’t avoid honesty with those who deserve it. I felt I owed my mother and my sister an honest explanation of where I was in life, so I garnered the courage to have an honest conversation with them. I will never regret doing this, even though they were both hurt. Now, I don’t feel I need to hide anything from them, even though I don’t flaunt my more worldly ways in front of them.
What to say when being honest? I don’t know what you need to say. I’d recommend pondering that one. You probably don’t want to tell them any specifics on the truthfulness of the church. They may not be interested in how Joseph Smith was a fraud. But they will want to know why YOU are leaving.
My explanation to my mother was very clear. I don’t believe it. I have studied it. I have researched it. I have pondered and meditated and it is not for me. I do not think the church is true. That’s just me and I respect everyone’s right to believe what they will. I wanted to make sure my family knew that I didn’t leave because I was having a hard time or that someone offended me. Pretending – living the lie – causes more stress and anxiety than dealing with the painful truth. If I had a testimony, it would surely withstand all that. I don’t have a testimony of the restored gospel that survived my adult reasoning or my passion for living in the way I am most comfortable and happy.
Will you be shunned? I don’t know. Most people with the courage to be honest end up like me. It is awkward being around my family and this saddens me because it may never change. But it’s real. I am living an honest life and at least I know what I am dealing with. I don’t feel crazy, confused, resentful or just plain broken any longer.
