A Moment of Truth

From one moment to the next, my testimony was gone. I didn’t necessarily intend for it to happen, yet there was no turning back!

I had remained faithful in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints from the age of seven to the age of 37. I rushed off to the mission field at age 19, led the mission as AP at 20, married at 21, had six children by age 32 and made every sincere effort to magnify my callings in the church, from seminary teacher to elder’s quorum president to…whatever the bishop would have me do. I was told by virtually every Bishop or Stake President that I was destined for greatness in the church. Soon I would be a Bishop and more.

I paid tithing, kept the word of wisdom, did my home teaching, regularly confessed my sins, read the scriptures, held family home evenings, felt guilty and unworthy for doubting my testimony at times and worst of all, I felt cursed of God for enjoying the philosophies of men. So much so that once, with a rush of spirit-filled resolve, I threw away my psychology library, tossing dozens of books, including many rare titles. I thought the Lord would approve and heal my emotional wounds, my lack of fulfillment and the feeling of not belonging amongst church members. That didn’t happen. I kept on trying…

At age 37 my life fell apart. My wife asked for a divorce, which ended our 16-year Mormon Marriage Syndrome (a term I coined to represent feeling eternally trapped in a marriage to someone you don’t like). She left the church immediately and began to party as if she had discovered her long lost inner teenager. I hung in the church, determined to keep the faith and “save the kids.” But, it was difficult. I struggled to get six willful and rebellious kids ready for church every week, not to mention the evening activities. I began losing my motivation and missing church.

At length I decided I needed to bolster my faith and recommit to the church. I decided I would systematically study the church and its founders, learn more about them and make a sincere evaluation of my membership – as I would do in evaluating any organization to which I might belong. If I were to have heartfelt faith that endures to the end, then it would surely come by open minded and rigorous study, contemplation and prayer. If I found in my studies that I really couldn’t believe the doctrine and stand behind the founders or Mormonism, then so be it. I didn’t think that would happen anyway.

Thus commenced the most interesting month of my life – the experiment that ended my faith. Given that I found many church doctrines confusing, I also determined that I would not decide ahead of time that the church was true no matter what, then justify all the doctrine. Instead, I would approach it with a truly open mind and allow my sense of logic or common sense to prevail. Perhaps I’d discover a new perspective that would be helpful.

Once I adopted this mindset, I read two versions of the first vision published by the church and….PRESTO…it was gone! It didn’t add up! This man’s story simply contradicted itself. All else being equal, if someone shows up at my house, tells me he has seen God, then gives two conflicting versions of his story, I will kindly ask him to leave. Rather than boost my faith, approaching church history with an open mind actually ended my faith, and I had barely begun my research.

I took the next month off to study 8-12 hours per day, reading extensively the history of the church as published by the church, only to find my skepticism growing at every turn. What a shock to learn that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, to which I had devoted my life and supported with large sums of money each year, was actually NOT a good organization! It isn’t led by good people and does not practice simple honesty, rather deception and greed in the whitewashing of its history and systematic extortion of its people. It was the biggest shock of my life. The men whom I revered in all holiness as prophets, seers and revelators are actually charlatans – every one of them to one degree or another. The facts are there for anyone with an open mind to see.

I left the church, dealt with my Bishop’s outright lies to block me from expunging my records and succeeded in becoming a full-fledged ex-Mormon.

The next two years were both liberating and difficult. I spent a fair amount of time getting good at breaking commandments and waiting to be cursed – waiting for horrible things to happen to me because God did not approve. Of course, nothing ever happened, I only laughed and laughed at how silly it was, for example, that I had never allowed myself to enjoy a beer or even sip a cup of coffee!

Most difficult of all was the lack of belief system. It seemed like my entire identity was based on Mormonism and when I let it go, there was no new system waiting, complete with principles, rules and guidelines. At times I swear I didn’t know which way was up. I agonized over every decision, even small ones. It seems as if I had to make up how I wanted to be, what was important to me, and how to go about being a person. I doubted I would ever get beyond the vague existential anxiety that shadowed my every move.

At length, I came out of it well. I can honestly say I am happy and well-adjusted to my new life. I met the woman of my dreams – she is wonderful and our family is engaging. We are in it for real – I’m no longer pretending and going through the motions. My business is the most successful it has ever been and my kids, though they have had many struggles, are thankful they are no longer being raised as Mormons. There has been no curse. In fact, I feel the spirit more as an agnostic than I ever felt it as a believer.

What I do feel terribly sad about has to do with the friends I left behind, the ones who now see me as an apostate, a child of hell, doomed to an eternal damnation. I almost can’t get my mind around it – how I wish I could help them understand. Funny, they must feel the same way about me…